Behind the Couch
by Alohilani
Summary: Dib spends an uncomfortable afternoon listening to Zim do nothing.


Okay. This right here? This was not supposed to happen.

No, really. This was going to be a good day for me. I was going to sneak into Zim's base while he was at skool, take some pictures, steal something incriminating, go home, call the Eyeballs and finally give that little green jerk what he deserves! But… no. Of course not. Here I am instead, hiding behind his couch.

Things started off awesome. Well, not that awesome. I woke up this morning with a sore throat and a fever so Dad let me stay home from skool. But then I went back to sleep and woke up a little later with no symptoms. But I still didn't have to go to skool! But Zim did! See? Y'see? So I got all my gear on and grabbed my recording equipment and hauled my butt over here to the base! Getting in was pretty easy. The gnome's sensory field seems to be constantly decaying, a bit faster than Zim can repair it. There's pretty much always a weak spot. And there was one today, so I got into the base and started taking pictures of everything I could find. I got the weird monkey picture, the toilet in the kitchen, the TV- I already had some pictures of this stuff, of course, but it's always good to have backups.

So. After I took care of that, I started scouting around for a way down to the labs. But before I could find one, I heard the door start to open. Thinking quickly, I dragged the couch out from the wall and wedged myself behind it, leaving no part of myself visible to the evil alien eye. And just in time, too! Because the moment I was behind the couch I heard the door open and a horrible, loud alien voice yell: "GIR, I've returned early!" I hadn't seen GIR around since I came in. "GIR! GIR, where are you?" I guess Zim didn't see him anywhere either. He growled and said: "Computer! Where is GIR?"

I heard the house computer say: "How should I know?"

"Stupid robot," Zim muttered. I expected him to go down to the labs, hopefully cluing me in on how to get down there in the process, but instead I heard him come closer to me and the couch.

From where I was crouching I could see the end table on one side of the couch, and I saw Zim drop his wig and contact lenses on that end table. He was exposed! And me in his base with a camera! Oh, man!

Then I heard the couch springs squeak and Zim sigh to himself. There was the noise of two relatively light objects hitting the floor. I don't know what they were.

"Turn the TV on," he said, and I heard some TV noise. One of those Crazy Taco commercials. Zim sighed again. "Dib wasn't in skool today. Probably planning something _horrible." _Aha, so he noticed. I felt my mouth start to smirk. "Or maybe he's dead." I stopped smirking. "Ah well. Turn the sound up."

The sound of the TV got louder and I heard Zim shift around on the couch, making the cushion squeak. "What's that disgusting human smell?" he demanded. I froze. "Computer! Scan the area."

Laser beams swept over the room, descending from the ceiling!

"No human life detected," the computer said. The couch must have shielded me!

"GIR," Zim muttered, and I heard him shift position again.

And, well, that's how I got to where I am right now. Behind Zim's couch, while he just sits there and watches TV. I've been here about twenty minutes now and he hasn't done anything but sit there! Or at least, he hasn't done anything I can _hear…_

Oh, wait. Now he's talking!

"This show is horrible! Computer, turn off the TV."

The TV noise stops. Okay. _Now _he's gonna go down to the lab, right? Right?

No, because I can see his scrabbly little alien hands take something out of the end table drawer. What is it? A bomb? An alien scanning device?

No, it looks like… a little jar! Now I hear this horrible, sticky, _wet _sound and I can smell something… some awful glue-y smell! Oh, man! What's he doing?

There are a couple of snappy rubber sounds and Zim tosses his gloves over the back of the couch. One of them falls down and lands on my head. It's a three-fingered black glove. Thin material. Latex or rubber, I think. Oh, and it has something sticky and white on it. I think it's glue.

I hear Zim sigh in contentment and the sticky sounds continue. What is he _doing? _Is it something with glue?

"Master," the computer says, "do you have to do that right in front of me?"

"Oh, sorry. I- hey! You be quiet!" More sticky noises. _"_Agh…"

"Please don't take your shirt off."

I hear Zim shift around in his seat and I see his shirt flop over the top of the couch. His weird, _alien _shirt! I grab it.

The shirt is thick and feels smooth and plastic-y. It's a simple, stiff cylinder of fabric with pointy shoulder things but no sleeves. I guess Zim wears two shirts?

Aha. Another shirt flops over the back of the couch. I grab that too. This one is a turtleneck. It's thin and soft and light pink with little black stripes. And it has sleeves.

Hmm. Pink. Irkens must have a different concept of gender-specific clothing. Or maybe Zim is a girl! Or maybe genderless! No, wait, Tak was pretty clearly a girl. But maybe that's just my human perspective! Maybe Tak was a man and Zim is a girl! Or maybe they're both asexual, or-

"You're getting a gut," the computer says, snapping me out of my thoughts.

"I am not!" Zim snaps.

"Oh, okay, you already had one."

"SILENCE!"

Hmm. Both of Zim's shirts have two little holes in the back. About where he wears that weird backpack thing. Oh man, that thing must attach to his spine! Maybe it's important to his well-being. I'll have to try and get it off him later.

Zim is whimpering. I realize there's a gap between two parts of the couch in the back where I can peek through. I'm gonna do that right now.

Okay, peeking through the couch. All I can see is what I think is the tip of Zim's antennae. He moans and I see his hand come over and tenderly touch the antenna tip. "Stupid disguise," he says.

I rummage in my backpack for my camera. An antenna by itself, not attached to Zim's face, probably won't be much help but maybe-

"What's that?" Zim says.

I freeze.

Zim huffs. "Mice again! Computer! Set more traps."

Zim has a rodent problem? How do mice even get into his base without being zapped?

Well… probably the same way I do.

He leans into my narrow field of vision so that I can see the side of his face. He's smearing white stuff all over it. What the heck is that stuff?

Zim gently probes his scalp with his fingers, whimpering. What's his problem? Wait… ha, that wig he wears! It must have a rough underside and irritate his skin. That's what he gets for trying to pass his horrific alien self off as one of us!

…okay, he's feeling around on the top of his couch for his clothes. Which is more important, analyzing his clothes or staying in the base undetected?

Well… nothing gets accomplished if he shoots me dead. I fish his turtleneck out of my bag and hand it to him. He makes a noise of satisfaction. Idiot can't figure out that someone's handing him his clothes. Idiot.

I give him his overshirt and then his gloves. I hear him wriggle into them (icky, wriggly _alien!) _and then he puts his little jar of white stuff back in the drawer and says: "Computer, contact the Tallest."

OH MAN!

OH MAN!

OH MAN, OH MAN!

HE'S GONNA CALL HIS LEADERS!

OH, MAAAN!

Do I have my tape recorder? I do! I totally have it! Okay, I'm turning it on.

I hear static fuzzing right above my head. There's a screen lighting up RIGHT ABOVE THE COUCH!

Zim is getting off the couch and walking to the center of the room. I can see his face now. His ugly green fa- his face! He's facing me! If I can see him, can he see me?

I guess not, because he doesn't say anything. You know, after all those squelching noises I was hearing before, I was expecting him to have goop or something on him, but he doesn't… wait… there's something white stuck to his antennae. And a little bit on his face. Dunno what _that's _all about…

I pull my notebook out of my backpack and jot down a note to myself- 'white alien goo on Zim.' I'll look it up online later.

Zim's whole face lights up. It's.. it's weird. No, it's really weird. He looks happy and he's not…. He's not killing anyone or anything, but he's smiling. It's not even a creepy smile- well, it is because it's on Zim and Zim is creepy. But it's not an inherently creepy smile, like, it wouldn't be creepy on Gaz- well, it would, because Gaz is creepy… but on someone normal, it wouldn't be a creepy smile. Well, as long as the smile didn't come with Zim's horrible alien teeth. Just- look, he looks happy. All right?

I hear two people sigh above my head. Oh man, oh man, he's calling his leaders _right now_ and I'm gonna record it! They're gonna be talking about alien things like how to take over the world and how to experiment on humans and-

Zim starts jabbering in a language I've never heard before and may never be able to decode because it's full of sounds no human could ever create. No, seriously. It has all these chirps, and clicks, and hissing noises, and at one point he rubs his antennae together and makes a cricket sound.

Above my head, his leaders answer in the same fashion and they go on like this back and forth for quiiite a while. While I record their gibbering alien speak.

Well, at home I'll play the tape back and try to decode it. Anyway, any linguist can tell these aren't human sounds, so the tape is still an asset. Gee, how long have I been here? I'm getting cramped… Zim is gonna have to leave eventually to go pee or something, right? Do Irkens pee? Well, he has to do SOMETHING! I mean, he can't stay in the living room forever! Ah- now he's ending the call from his leaders. He'll leave now, right?

No, no, he's getting back on the couch. I can hear him yawning.

"Computer, get me a pillow."

What?

"Do it yourself."

Yes, Zim, go get a pillow. Anything that will get you out of the room!

"No! I am your master and you will do as I say!"

A pillow shoots out of the ceiling and lands on Zim with a thumping noise.

"COMPUTER!"

"Whaat? I got your pillow."

"Hnng…"

There's a pause. Where nothing happens. Nothing at all.

"Speaking of worthless machines," says Zim, "where _is _GIR?" That's a pretty good question, actually.

"I don't know."

"Well, run a scan!"

"Geez, you make me do everyth-"

"JUST DO IT!"

"FINE! GEEZ!"

Green light fills the room.

"GIR located."

"Where is he?"

"Behind the couch."

Wait. What? GIR's not behind here, it's just me behind here! The computer must have mistaken me for GIR, I guess? This can't be good. Zim's gonna ask me to come out and-

"Hm! That must be what that smell is. GIR, have you been back there this whole time?"

Uh. Uh. Think fast!

"Yes?" I say in my squeakiest voice. Oh, the things I do for science.

"What are you _doing _back there?"

Uhhh… "Playing… with… dust?"

This seems to satisfy Zim. "Oh. Okay."

Yes! Yes! He's been fooled! I'm safe! I-

"Get me a soda, GIR."

Uhh… okay, first off, I don't want to get Zim a soda. I don't want to get him anything. I really hate him. And second, if I come out from behind the couch he'll see I'm not GIR. Think fast, Dib! Think fast!

"I… don't… want to?"

There's another pause. I hold my breath. Maybe he's realizing that I'm not GIR! Maybe he-

He drops one of his shoes on my head.

"I work hard, you know! YOU HORRIBLE EXCUSE FOR A SLAVE! GOOD THING I DON'T NEED YOU! I, ZIM, WILL GET MY OWN SODA!" And he scurries off.

Wow. PMS much, Zim? I mean really- WAIT! HE'S OUT OF THE LIVING ROOM! Okay, Dib, hurry, pack up stuff, okay, gotta get my backpack on- OH NO! HE'S BACK! OH NO!

Yeaaah, now he's sitting down on the couch and I hear him open his can of soda. I hear him chug for a while, then he drops the empty can on my head! Ow! Stupid alien!

The couch springs squeak as Zim wriggles around, then I hear him sigh, then he says: "Oh, you're probably wondering why I'm home early."

You know, that is a good question. I'd think he was up to something, but obviously all he's been doing is sitting on his fat alien butt all day. Wait, am I supposed to say something here? I guess not, because he goes on talking.

"Well, they had a fire drill." He scoffs. "So when we were all lined up on the grass I just walked off, I'unno."

Where's a truant officer when you need him? There are plenty of days when Zim doesn't even bother to show up for skool.

"I figured I could get more done here," Zim sighs, and wriggles around some more. He yawns, long, loud and obnoxious. I guess he's not planning to get up anytime soon. It's a good thing I've trained myself to be able to hold it for a really long time. "Computer! How's that chicken experiment going?" Wait, what?

"Still percolating."

"Oh. Hm. Nothing to do there, then. What time is it anyway?"

Chicken experiment? I bet it's totally evil! GAAH! I need to find a way to get down there and stop it! Maybe I should just go out there and try to beat him up before he can get to me with those spider legs-

"GIR! I asked what time it is."

Oh. Oh, right. Me GIR. Uhh…

"Forget it," Zim says. "You don't even know, do you?"

Uh…

"You're horrible!"

Wow, Zim's mean.

I guess I already knew that.

There's a really long time where nothing happens. Nothing at all. Zim doesn't say anything and the computer doesn't stay anything and absolutely NOTHING goes on. Nothing at all. Then I start to hear snoring.

He's asleep.

Yeah. He went to sleep.

Well, Mr. Scourge Of All Mankind, I hope you're enjoying your little nap. I reeeeeeally do. You just go on and- wait a minute, duh! He's asleep! I can go! All right, gather stuff, go on out and- and here I am! I've escaped from the evil reign of Zim's couch! I'm out in the living room and no one is stopping me! Now, to find a way down to the labs and…

And…

Hold on! What am I doing? My nemesis is sprawled out unconscious a few feet away, completely at my mercy! Screw the labs, I have Zim practically tied up with a bow! All right, did I bring any of my capture equipment? Nnng, no, I didn't!

Well, I have my camera. Zim's eyes are closed, but you can see his antennae.

I move closer.

Zim is lying sprawled out on his back. His chest is pushed upwards from lying on his freaky little brain backpack. He's completely limp and his mouth is open with his tongue hanging out and drool all over his face… ewwwwwwwwwwwww.

He's snoring. He doesn't move as I approach. Doesn't twitch, doesn't tense, doesn't react. Heh heh heh.

I lean closer and study his antennae. They're long, thick and very black. I wonder what sensory function they carry out. Smell? Hearing? Maybe even taste?

I lift my camera to my face and depress the button halfway. It makes a really soft clicking noise.

Zim sits bolt upright. My honed reflexes react before my mind does and I scramble back behind the couch.

"Geh! Hm! Hrn? Whazzat?" Zim babbles.

Darn him. Darn him to heck.

And of course he doesn't then decide he'll get up and do alien things. No, he just lies back down, mutters a little and starts snoring again.

I go back out. Okay, this time I won't approach Zim. I'll just go down to the labs.

Yeah. Yeah. I'll just- I'll just- nrrgh- nrrrgh! He's _right there!_

Okay. I just won't take his picture this time. He's curled up on his side this time, kind of burrowed into the couch and totally still. He looks dead.

All right. Maybe I could try to grab him. Just tackle him and grab him real tight so he can't get away and drag him out on the lawn in full view of the public! Then everyone will see he's really a horrible alien!

Okay, here I go. Gonna grab him. Reaching out. Reaching sloooowly. Closer. He's not moving. Not a twitch. Closer. Haha, nothing. Hands so close I think I can feel his body heat-

HE'S SITTING UP AGAIN

I make another mad dash behind the couch and Zim sputters and complains in his freaky alien language.

"Computer!" he snaps. "Scan for humans."

"I just did that!"

"Do it again!"

The green scan light goes over the room again.

"Nothing."

Zim hisses to himself and gets up. I hear scurrying about. I guess he's looking for me himself.

Think GIR. Think GIR.

"GIR!"

I jump. "That's me!"

"Have _you _seen anything suspicious?"

"Nooo…"

"Hm. GIR?"

"Yeeeees?" I think I'm starting to sweat. Come on, Dib, it's just Zim the idiot, what can he do to you? Well, besides probe…

"Did _you _wake me up?"

Uhhh…

"I KNEW IT!"

He drops another shoe on my head.

"Ow!"

"HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TOLD YOU, GIR? MY BELLY IS NOT A DANCE FLOOR!"

I can't think of anything to say to that.

The couch springs are squeaking again and Zim is muttering. "Don't wake me up again, GIR."

"Okay," I say.

Zim yawns. "You okay?"

Huh?

"Your voice sounds funny."

Uhhh.

He doesn't go on to something else. He seems to actually want an answer this time.

"I'm… doing… monkey… voice?" I say.

"Oh, okay. G'night, GIR."

I wait to hear more snoring, then I tiptoe very quietly out from behind the couch and towards the kitchen door. I reach for the handle. I glance over my shoulder at Zim, who is sleeping peacefully. I start to turn the handle. It squeaks a tiny bit OH NO HE'S AWAKE AGAIN!

Okay, I don't know how I made it back behind the couch before Zim saw me this time, but I did. Score one for Earth!

"GIR!"

Another shoe lands on my he- wait, what? Where'd he get a third shoe? I don't know, but it hurts.

"I TOLD YOU NOT TO WAKE ME UP AGAIN!"

"Sorryyy?"

"I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ONE MORE WORD, GIR!"

I bite my tongue.

"OKAY?"

I say nothing.

"GIR, ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING?"

"I won't talk any more?"

"SILEEEEENCE!"

"Geez, there's no pleasing you, Zim! Ow! Where are you getting all those shoes?"

"SHUT UP AND GO TO BED!"

"Hey, just because _you're _sleepy doesn't mean _I_ a- OW!"

"GOOD- _NIGHT- _GIR!"

I roll my eyes to the ceiling. Zim tosses and turns for a little while, then starts to snore again.

This time I don't move. I figure I'll have a better chance of not getting caught if I just wait for him to _finally _leave.

Also, if I wake him up again I think he might pull the couch out from the wall to smack 'GIR' around a little and… yeah.

You know, my backpack would make a good pillow, maybe I _should _just- what? No way! That would just be dumb!

But I am pretty bored, and… oh my gosh, what's that noise? The front door is opening!

The doorknob is jiggling around and then someone is kicking the door and then it finally swings open and it's a huge racket and… and Zim's still asleep! Wuh?

I hear footsteps skitter across the floor and a loud voice singing 'Bananaphone' and it hits me. The real GIR came home. And he's being really noisy.

He walks closer. Then he yells: "HI, MASTA!" loud enough to shatter my eardrums.

Zim snorts a little but doesn't seem to be awake.

"YOU SLEEEEPIN'?" GIR yells. "Awww. YOU LOOK SO CUTE!"

I cringe. Zim snores.

"I'M GONNA POKE YOU, KAAAY?" And there are these loud… what I assume are poking noises.

Zim is… still asleep. _The world is so unfair._

And, wow. I can smell GIR from here. He smells like pigsties, vomit and cheap liquor. I… I don't want to know.

And now he's scrambling behind the couch!

"HI, DIB!" he hollers. He's in his dog suit and he has a little duffel bag. "I BOUGHT A COLORING BOOK AN' SOME CRAAAY-ONS!"

He pulls said book and crayons out of his duffel bag and starts coloring. Uh. Wow.

"I AM RETARDED, BEE DEE DO DE DO DE DO DE DOO DOO DOO DOO, DOO DOO DOO DOO, DOO DOO DOO," GIR sings. Zim makes a quiet sleepy noise.

I clear my throat.

"GIR!"

WHAAA

"I TOLD YOU TO SHUT UP!"

"Sorryyyyy," GIR says.

Zim tosses another shoe behind the couch and even though the real GIR is there for him to aim at, the shoe still hits _my _head. Of course.

"WATCH IT!" I snap.

"Be quiet, GIR!"

I kick the couch.

"Ow! Hey!"

"I'm colorin' a picture, Masta!" GIR says.

"Yes, yes, whatever! Ohhhh…" He scrabbles around a bit. "Well, I'm up now! Thanks a lot, GIR!"

"You're welcome!"

Okay, now go away Zim… go do something… _please…_

I'm hearing a whole lotta nothin' out there. I peek through the split in the back of the couch. From what I can see he's lying on his back.

"Hrrmmmmn," he says, and sits up. I hear that end-table drawer open again and Zim rummages for something in it. There are little rubbery sounds as he pulls off his gloves and puts them over the back of the couch again, and then I hear this horrible sound! Horrible, horrible! And I don't know what it _is! _I can't see _anything, _either, because Zim has his stupid back planted right in my line of sight.

What kind of noise _is _that? It's this weird clacking! It could be _bones!_

Beside me, GIR is coloring, unperturbed by the hideous alien racket. I lean closer to him, wrinkling my nose at his reek. "GIR," I whisper. "What is he doing?"

"Hm?" GIR says. He glances in Zim's direction. "I dunnooo."

Hmph. Thanks a lot, GIR.

Okay, that noise is awful. He could be torturing someone to death for all I know. As Earth's protector, I have to look, even if it means personal danger!

I peer around the side of the couch. Zim is sitting there, hunched over… a Rubix cube.

Yeah. He's just playing with a Rubix cube.

Now he's stopped playing with the Rubix cube and is sitting there completely still. His antennae are in the alert position and his eyes are wide.

Um.

"Computer?" His voice is neutral. Maybe he hasn't seen me. Oh wait now he's standing up and _"ANNIHILATE THE HUMAN!"_

I run.

Okay.

I _want to run._

_But instead, I trip over Zim's end table, and now my face hurts. _

_Metal alien spider legs crash down to the floor an inch from my gaze. I look up to see Zim suspended above me. His eyes are narrowed to ruby slits and his face is pale and yellowish with a dark green flush in each cheek. His mouth is compressed to a thin line. _

_I snap a picture. He screams. Not just any scream. Kinda sounds like an alien battle cry, so, uh, maybe I'd better go._

_I dodge between his spider legs and head out the door. He jumps to catch me but his spider legs are too wide to fit. He crashes to the floor and then I slam the door in his face and run like crazy._

_Wow, I'm getting away pretty easy here. I was scared of Zim all afternoon? That's stupid. I should try just beating him up sometime, he's pathetic. And I finally have a clear picture of him! YES! This is a great day after all-_

_I trip and drop my camera. It goes skittering into the road. A car zips around the corner and runs it over, leaving my evidence as broken shards of plastic._

_Whatever. I'm going home._


End file.
